Humpty-Dump

Roberto Ruiz-Maki

Dear Humpty-Dump,
I wish I could say that it has been fun, but it hasn’t.  I hated you and everything you stood for, with your obnoxiously loud crowds, the suction effect that you made when fans walked inside of you, and your terribly ugly outer appearance.
What was the reason for your demise?  Was it because this was the first year that you spent without the Minnesota Twins?  Or was it because Brett Favre ripped your heart out, along with the hearts of Vikings fans everywhere?
I like to believe that it was a divine intervention of sorts.  The Metrodome has long been regarded as the ugliest stadium in the country, and if you ever saw it, you understood why.  It  literally looked like a giant egg sticking out of downtown Minneapolis.
You had your history of troubles, Humpty-Dump: 1982 (before you even opened), 1983, and 1986.  In each of those years you had to be deflated because of a tear due to either snow or heavy winds.  I only visited you once, when I attended a Twins-Pirates game in 2009, and I must say it was a terrible experience.  Watching people run inside, I mistakenly thought that it was a tradition, or that everybody was just incredibly excited and couldn’t wait.  I decided that since I was a Packers fan and dreaded being there, that I would defy the evident tradition and walk in slowly and calmly.  As I approached, I felt something pulling at me, softly at first, but with each step the force became stronger and stronger.  I could not help but be sucked into you.  Despite my despair, I decided to go ahead and attend the baseball game; I quickly regretted the decision.  The lack of leg room was incredible.  I literally had to stand up for half of the game because it was so uncomfortable to sit down.  You were not meant to be a baseball stadium; that was evident.
Even the food was terrible.  I wanted a snack after the 4th inning, and decided to go and get a hot dog.  What a mistake.  Apparently when somebody asks for a hot dog, they give you a Chicago style hot dog.  When I order a hot dog I expect a piece of meat (debatable) and a bun.  I did not expect to get a foot long hot dog, with pickles, jalapenos, mustard, relish, and ketchup.  I gave it to some Twins fan who was ecstatic to be getting the “hot dog” that I was giving away, though I am pretty sure he ended up throwing it away.
You lacked exciting teams, plays, and championships.  Basically, you sucked.  I hope that this latest tear in your quilt-like exterior is your last and it convinces the people of the twin cities to vote for a new stadium.  If there is a sweepstakes for your demolition like they had for Texas Stadium, I will surely enter, and I will lose sleep praying that I win.
Love,
Roberto